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Blame

So, I promised I'd go into this, though I'll admit I didn't plan to do two of these in one day. What can I say? I've been away from this thing for too long, so I suppose I oughtta hit you people hard. . .

When it comes down to it, the majority of things that happen in our life are out of control. We cannot command the ways of the earth, nor can we often control the decisions of others. What we are responsible for, though, is our reactions to everything that occurs, as well as the choices we make based on those reactions. Our life is a series of responses, and it is the way that we handle any given situation that makes us who we are. It's possible to respond to anything life hands us with a multitude of different emotions, and no one can decide which feeling we wear but us.

A common reaction to any situation involving personal pain, especially emotional pain, that can, itself, spawn many different responses, is to question "why?" Assigning reason or blame to where there is none seems to be another one of those natural human instincts, and unfortunately seems to be one that often causes more harm than good. Don't get me wrong - it is our questioning, curious, and often tirelessly demanding nature that is responsible for some of the greatest achievements in any field of which we are capable. Religion, and faith in such, which often stands between many people and Shotgun Dental Surgery, is mainly spawned from this pursuit, where the unexplainable is simply the "Will of God" or the "Work of the Devil." Of course, the more analytical simply cannot accept this, as there is little logic involved. Unfortunately, attempting to find a reason for many occurences in life other than "This shit just happens" is one of the quickest routes to madness and personal ruin.

My mother was born to a father who defines the term "disfunctional," found herself in a failed marriage, raised two boys by herself in times when single parents were shunned, not common, and was rewarded with a multitude of diseases and disorders which have made any hope of a "normal life" nothing more than a depressing dream. You sit down and try to assign purpose and reason to that, and make sure you tell me how that goes.

We all seem to be obsessed with justice. When something happens to us or someone we love, we want answers. Maybe we think that by knowing the why behind it all, we'll never be blindsided by that mess again. I've got news for you, but if you've lived any sort of experienced life, you probably already know what it is. There are simply some things out there for which you cannot be prepared. More often than not, though, we want someone to be punished, as if that will ease our pain. We want to assign fault to someone, blame the horror on somebody's stupidity, because then we have a focus for our anger and thus can process the pain through frustration. And true, the processing of pain can be a healthy thing, but is it healthy to cure ourselves by lashing out at another?

Perhaps I need an example here. No, this is no one in particular, but just something I have experienced myself many times, as well as seen too many bleedin' times in the past year.

Person A develops feelings for Person B. Person B, unfortunately, does not share these feelings. In the end, it's just something that happens (refer to the previous rant for more details on that). Unfortunately, depending on the intensity of the emotion felt, rejection can be a horrible, crippling pain. It sucks. There's no denying that. And no, it's not fair. In a perfect world, no one would ever be rejected, but I don't have to tell you that we are quite far from perfection. There is no concrete explanation to why we fall for people who cannot return our affections, in the end, as I've said many times already, it just happens.

Unfotunately, that pain is there, and our minds just can't deal with that, and this must be processed somehow. Therefore, whys must be invented and someone's going to get this pain shoved through them whether they like it or not.

In this particular situation, there are two major reactions, though no doubt many other less-chosen results occur. The first is to turn this pain of rejection into anger and hate. Person B is obviously a stuck-up bitch who doesn't know what she's missing, or an arrogant bastard who just isn't worth Person A's time anyway. Every small flaw in Person B is suddenly exemplified in A's eyes, to the point where most words of B to come from A's mouth are that of slander. This is especially depressing when A and B used to be friends, because a one simple event, completely out of either person's control, has totally ruined a friendship.

Because, let's face it, we don't have complete control over those to whom we are attracted. In the end, it's just something you feel. And if you don't feel it, who's fault is that?

It's a tough call as to whether the second reaction is better or worse than the first, but in my observation it is the more common one. Quite often, after it has been decided that the blame must go somewhere, person A simply chooses to place it on him/herself. Obviously he's not attractive enough, or she's not smart enough, or not fun enough to be around, or too sloppy, too annoying, too lame, too eccentric, too clingy, too introverted, or what-the-fuck-ever excuse can be made. Now, it is true that sometimes Person A can have a personality flaw that needs to be worked on, but more often than not he or she is a perfectly pleasant individual, and the spark simply isn't there. But it seems much harder to accept that than to belittle oneself, not realizing that once one deems themself unattractive for any given reason, they continue to make themself unattractive, which does nothing but worsen their chances on finding anyone.

The catastrophe is further compounded if Person B develops feelings for Person C, who feels mutually. C, who more often than not has no malicious intent towards Person A, nonetheless finds themself in the mental crossfire that is "Why the fuck is he/she with her/him and not me?" Once again, person A can simply choose to blame themselves and decide that C is just an overall superior person, which is usually a bigger load of shit than W's reasons bombing the holy Hell out of Iraq. However, A may actually blame C for the pain they now feel, as if C has somehow bewitched B into a devilish lust-fest that will only end in terror and pain for all involved. Now, on occasion A may actually be right and C is no good for B at all, but quite often this is just Person A flinging all of their emotional pain and lack of esteem that it brings right into their mental picture of Person C. Every mistake C has ever made is suddenly viciously exaggerated, all innocence and good they may possess is usually blinded from sight, and all other possible motivations are carelessly discarded. The more ugly Person C's past, the easier it is to blame them for A's current misfortune, because someone that's commonly used people can never actually fall in love, right?

And sometimes the assignment of blame goes too far. Friendships can be ruined over misunderstandings, circles of friends can be split by awkwardness and unrest, and sometimes Person A can even turn into a vengeance-obsessed lunatic or overly-victimized depressant, though this is usually very, very rare. A defense mechanism used to eventually purge oneself of unexplainable chaos suddenly causes disaster of its own.

It's instinct, and it's not easy to ignore. Accepting what happens simply as what is is like when your parents tell you to do something and their only justification is "Because I said so." You want something more than that. You're not happy with what happened, and you have every right to be unhappy, but that's just not good enough, and dammit, you want a fucking explanation.

And I'm sorry, people, but sometimes there isn't one. Why did B choose C over A? You might as well ask why anyone chooses anyone? We all go with what works, and sometimes it's not going to work for everyone. It's not fun. It's not fair. But all the complaining, crying, blaming, screaming, and frustration in the world is not going to change that. It doesn't mean you're wrong for being hurt. It doesn't mean you should just "suck it up" and be Mr. or Mrs. Happy all the time. But ask yourself this: does blaming B or C, or sitting their and strapping the guilt to yourself like a time-bomb really make you feel any better in the end? Have you really solved anything?

When I sit here, faced with rejection, misjustice, cruelty of life, disaster, or whatever else can be thrown my way, and I chalk it up to "These Things Happen," no, it doesn't make me feel any better. Yes, I still wish there was an answer, and knowing I'm not going to be able to find a valid one is just as painful as whatever I'm going through. But as time moves on, I do heal, just as much as I would if I blamed God, the Devil, myself, or anyone I knew. And when I have, less people, including myself, have been damaged in the process. So it is with that knowledge I say that sometimes we have to accept that there is no why. Sometimes life is just shit. Sometimes we suffer, and sometimes there's not a damned thing anyone can do or say to truly change that. But, I've also learned that 99% if the time, things get better too. This, too, shall pass, people. And if you can hang on for long enough, the sun will shine on you again, and you best enjoy it when it does. . .

If you're lucky I won't do this to you again for awhile. We'll just have to see what happens. . .