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Quick Pretention

How are you celebrating today?

Many, many years ago (not quite so many to some, but more than others would wish to admit) the world was in dark peril. The warring tribes of Goobergeekus and Darkardanthou fought their silent cold war amidst the emerging electronic noises. People walked the streets in ignorance of the beauty around them, and the scraping of car parts across a cinder-block was just considered noise.

Suddenly the storm clouds swirled above, and then broke in a flash of lightening to reveal a hair purple pteranadon flying on a crash-course with the street below. Suddenly, just when it looked as if it was going to pulverize itself into the ground, it came to a complete stop a mere 4 inches above the pavement and delicately touched down, placing the small aluminum bag it had been carrying gently to the side before it began grooming itself amidst the applsause of the gathering, amazed crowd. Suddenly the prehistoric flying creature was burtally crushed under the wheels of a bus, but that's what you get for blocking traffic. Hell, at least the bag remained.

Slowly the awestruck populace approached the shining aluminum sack, not quite sure what to do with it. Was it a bomb? Food? A dancing hamster? No one could be sure. One brave woman finally untied the shoe-string holding the bag shut and revealed its contents for all to see. . .

. . . a small baby boy.

"Oh, how adorable!"

"Where did it come from?"

"What should we do with it?"

"He's precious!"

"Put him back in the bag! If we leave it in the sun, he'll be cooked to a simmer in no time!"

"Wait!" Shouted an old man dressed in black and fuscia robes. "This is no ordinary child!"

"And who are you?"

"I am the Prophet of Noise! I bring you news that you hold a very special creature in your midst now, The Chad!"

"Wait. . ." the woman who opened the package pondered, "What's a chad?"

"Not a chad," the silly-looking prophet responded, almost spitting all over the woman in the process, "The Chad. This boy may look normal now, but he will one day grow into The Giant Garden-Gnome of Power! His birth signifies the ushering in of a new era, where Geeks and Goths can be as one! Where even a thimble left on the ground can be a beautiful photograph! And one day, people will even enjoy the repetitive sounds of screws left in a blender!"

"Waittaminute," one man cried out, "do we really want that?"

"SILENCE, DOG!" the prophet commanded. "This is destiny! One day The Chad will join forces with his own tormentor, who will constantly try to pull him to pieces but will always fail! And together, with the newest reincarnation of Rasputin, they will usher in a new age of Obscurity like none have ever seen! All the while, the lives around the Chad will shine brighter, men will be inspired, women will. . . um. . . ALSO be inspired. . . and no one will be able to escape the thudding rythms of OONTZ!

"Take care of this child, and one day the world will reap the joys of THE CHAD!" And with that, the robed man burst into flames, leaving behind only purple ashes and the fresh scent of pine.

Reluctantly at first, but soon wooed by the sweet cooing of the baby, the woman who had opened the bag took the child home to her husband, and they proceeded to raise him as their own son. Within two decades, the advents of Synth-Pop, Techno, and EBM began to bring the Geeks and Goths together until the Goths had to realize half of them were geeks to begin with. Moreso, Ambient Industrial Noise fused with technology to create the hypnotic joy of POWER NOISE. Though there is no proof that The Chad had anything to do with it, the prophet said so, so it's probably true.

Recently, The Chad has found torment in the form of a man, and so as the prophecy dictated, has joined forces with him and Rasputin, no matter how many comments about the incineration of his testicles he may recieve. The Age of Obscurity may, indeed, be upon us soon.

So today we celebrate the arrival of The Oontz Gnome. The Wielder of the Electric Axe. Fueled by a desire to capture the odd beauty of the world, Powered by Noise, this unique being is the focus of our thoughts today, the day of The Chad!

Happy Birthday, Chad. . .