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Quick Pretention

The Same River Twice

I went back to Camp today, just for a day. . .

My purpose was to experience something refreshing to allow me to face my time at THS and the life I now lead with reknewed vigor, and I guess I got that, but not in the way that I planned. Yeah, I had a good time, and it was fantastic to see my kids again, but it definitely felt like just a visit. There was nothing inside me that said "I wish I could stay." It's not so much that I'm overly glad I'm no longer doing this, but rather just this feeling that my time with these children is done. I've given them all I could give. I nudged them as far in the direction I felt they had to go that I could, and it was time for someone else, perhaps even themselves in some cases, to take the lead.

And I definitely got the feeling that Camp was no longer my home. I'm growing older, and obviously in a different direction than I was when I was living there. It's not that I would mind taking care of kids in the future, but not there, at least not there right now.

Honestly, I felt just as trapped there as I often feel in my life right now, and that was the clue to me. It's not my job. It's not how I'm living. There's something else in me that's unhappy, and I think I'm closer to figuring out exactly what it is. Because I could've easily stepped back into the River tonight if I'd wanted, but it wouldn't have been the same, and neither would I. And it wouldn't solve a thing. Leaving Charlottesville wouldn't solve a thing. Whatever's going on is something deep-seated in me that may very well have been there for a long time. And maybe if I can work through this, I'll be fairly clear for quite sometime.

Sure, it's not chemotherapy, but I think I've got my own treatment to go through now. And hell, if Mom can do what she's about to do, I'm definitely not allowed to complain.

Yeah, I'm drained, and right now that, along with physical illness, is causing me to feel like shit, but I think that quite soon I may kick this, and feel a hell of a lot better. Here's hoping, anyway. . .