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Quick Pretention

Time-Out

There's a concept used in Childcare of which I'm sure just about everyone has heard (and probably experienced). It's called "Time-Out." In some centers it is heavily abused and definitely isn't the best solution in all situations, but it can often be helpful in heated situations.

The concept is simple. Bobby and Johnny are playing with legos. Bobby grabs a piece Johnny wanted before little J could get his hands on it. J, less than thrilled about the whole idea, asks for the piece perhaps a little less politely than he should. Bobby, totally taken aback and thinking that what he got is his and that's that, tells Johnny to go soak his head. Johnny, not liking the resistance, grabs the piece from Bobby. Big B, totally torqued by such rudeness, finds it only fair that Johnny's Lego Masterpiece should then be stolen right from under the creeps nose. In the process of trade negotiations, Johnboy drops the piece, and in trying to dive for it, Bobby Butterfingers drops Johnny's creation, which shatters on the floor along with any hope of peacefully resolving this catastrophe.

You know the rest. Fight ensues.

Now, both parties fucked up in this situation, but trying to tell them at this point would be as effective as trying to enjoy eating your own feces. Any discussion over the conflict at this point will just cause more conflict. Johnboy and Bobbykins must be seperated for a while and allowed to sort through their own thoughts.

Now, yes, the first thoughts they'll have to sort through is how they were perfectly justified to act how they did, and there's no reason they should be being punished right now. Instant help for that one: neither child is currently being punished. Punishment means that judgement has already been called, and right now, even though we know all the facts, both children won't learn jack until they understand them as well. So, no Johnny, you're not in trouble right now. I just need you to sit and think about all that's happened, and I'm going to determine the amount of time because people tend to want to rush through things instead of fixing them properly. Yes, Bobby, I know you're not getting to play at the moment, and that's somewhat of a punishment. But if I send you off now, I'm invitiing the same thing to happen to you again and again, and that's even more of a punishment in the end.

Of course, there's no guarantee that our little warriors are going to figure everything out on their own. And yes, they're gonna have to be in time-out long enough to get past the "FUCKING JOHNNY/BOBBY, THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT!" stage, but the human mind, normally, can't stay infuriatingly angry for too long without exploding, and once the calm sets in, after both children have been talked to seperately, they can both be brought back together to discuss their situation. If tensions heat up again, they need a little more time apart. Depending on the ferocity of the situation, they could need one or many meetings, and sometimes they have to return to the group seperated for a while. Eventually, though, 95% of the time the situation is resolved and the kids end up being okay again.

Interesting point: especially in younger children, "Best Friends" are likely to get into almost 3 times as many scraps as kids just getting to know each other. I think this is true for adults as well, especially once relationships come into play. You can only truly hate the ones you truly love, because emotion is just energy. If you feel passionately good about someone who then does something to truly anger/disappoint you, you've still got all of that passionate energy, and it's just got to go somewhere.

Meet: Explosions, Meltdown, and Overall Unrest.

This is the main point ofthe essay, so I'll even make it easy to read: Walking away is not always a bad thing.

Granted, the disagreements and points of tension that we have as adults tend to be a lot more involved than the Great Lego Wars of Second Grade, but if anything, that makes the need for a little time-out even more important. Sometimes we really need to just break away from everyone involved and not see, talk, or deal with them in any way for an extended period of time. Sometimes we may even need to stay alone for a while, or with people with whom we don't normally associate in order to clear our minds. Whatever you need to do, where ever you need to go, sometimes what has to be done is getting the hell outta Dodge.

Somewhere between Gradeschool and Graduation we seem to lose that knowledge. Someone plants the ludicrous idea in our skulls that standing down is an admission of weakness. We suddenly think that backing away is admitting we are wrong, giving up, or whatever. I'm gonna call a big Bullshit on this one, folks, because that's exactly what it is. Growing up doesn't mean you're beyond time-out. Growing up doesn't mean that you've got to fight and fight until both sides are dead. Growing up means there's no longer a teacher, counselor, or parent there to touch you on the shoulder and say, "Bobby, I think you should sit in time-out for a few minutes." You're the one in charge now, and you've got to regulate your own temper. You've got to understand when everyone's too close to the situation. You've got be mature enough to realize that everyone's screaming and no one's listening. And sometimes you even got to decide that this just isn't going to work, at least not right now.

Time-out is not the same as bitter silence. Silence with angry glares, bottling, and other passive-agressive behaviours don't qualify as help, sorry. Time out means you're actually trying to calm down, instead of trying to get the other person to get you to talk or make them feel guilty. Time-out is not a weapon used as reverse-psychology, nor should you use it thinking the other person is going to immediately think you're right. In fact, one of the things you may find out in your little break is how wrong you truly are. It's a risk you must be willing to take.

And unfortunately, it takes two sides to have a true time-out once your older. It's quite possible that the other side may wrongly interpret your walking away as a give-up, and it must be calmly put to them that no, you just don't think much is being accomplished right now. And if they continue to claim that you just don't want to admit they're right, almost begging for more confrontation, you might just want to ask yourself whether they're trying to be right in this situation or just be right period. Maybe, just maybe, they're no longer worth the fight at all.

It must also be understood that breaking away for a bit doesn't mean that the relationship, friendship, love, whatever, is over. This is not the time to start a new life, because you're still sore from a problem that has not yet been resolved. This is a vacation, so to speak, the purpose of which is to return to your regularly scheduled programming more refreshed and ready to heal the wounds that may have been inflicted.

If you do succeed in getting away from the conflict for a while, do not consider this a successful time-out yet. If you go back a week later and act as if nothing ever happened, you're inviting everything to happen again. No, the true ending of a time-out can be difficult and so is often avoided, and though you've managed to calm things down, you haven't ended the fight, you've only prolonged it.

The fact is, there's conflict there, and an agreement must be reached, even if it is agreeing to disagree, which is perfectly acceptable in some situations, because there's nothing wrong with disagreeing on things that are not fundamentally important for the relationship, be it friendship or otherwise, to exist. The original issue must be calmly adressed by all parties, who must all be more ready to address it. Time-out is going to take longer for some than others, and we have to be willing to be patient enough to deal with that. If you're not, you may want to re-evaluate your priorities and figure out how important it is to you that a resolution be reached. How important is it to you that you be in peace with this person/people? Is it worth the wait? Is it worth the discussion you will eventually have to have? Is it worth making compromises, giving as much as you take, admitting you may be wrong, agreeing to disagree? Those are tough decisions to be made there, but they're even harder to make in the heat of an argument.

Maybe in the duration of the time-out, both sides will have been able to learn to listen carefully and speak clearly. In the end, those skills may be even more valuable than knowing when to call a time-out. Afterall, if there's no conflict, there's no need to walk away from it. And maybe Bobby would've given up the lego if Johnny had expressed his frustration more calmly and clearly. Or if Bobby had listened to Johnny's problem, he could've offered up a different solution than the piece Johnny wanted, rather than just closing all thoughts once he realized J wanted what he had.

I guess all these skills are ones we need to have. Not all conflicts can be avoided, or even resolved. But a lot of the pain felt during the fights themselves can be avoided. And I guess that's what I'm trying to say here. Because, whether you like it or not, a fight, even between two people, never effects just them. I'm not trying to guilt you into trying to be better at resolving your differences with other, but if you're not gonna do it for yourself, then think about everyone else too. . .

Anyway, I guess I've said what I've needed to say and started to stumble, so I guess I'll stop now. If you've made it through all this, I give you these two treats: The Best Drum Machine Ever, and A Definite Reason to Learn Spanish.

That's all for now.