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Quick Pretention

I can't think of a proper title, but feel this should have one. . .

When a someone's on the edge, about to jump, the worst thing you can tell them is to stop feeling so damn sorry for themselves.

Of course, there are edges we can't see, and sometimes edges that are hidden from us on purpose. Does that mean we never tell people that they're just being silly because of their own self-pity, or that we have to take that chance sometimes?

I'm going back to Camp on Thursday to teach afterschool for a day. I've been bombarded by unexpected Camp visitors, emails, and whatnot, and it's making me horribly nostalgic, so I talked with the Afterschool Director and agreed to come out for an afternoon. I miss that job so much. There's no way in hell anything like that could fit with my current lifestyle, but I do miss it.

I guess that's one thing that's getting me. At Camp, I had no money, was isolated half the time, and lived mostly off of Raman Noodles and Frozen Burritos, and yet I had purpose, and even when things started going to shit in the rest of my life, until the program itself fell through I felt safe and comfortable with Camp. I was content to be there for the rest of my life if possible.

Now, almost a year after I quit, I'm still in transition. I still don't know where I'm going. I know it has to be in Charlottesville so I can keep Silent Muse together. And I know it has to pay pretty damn well to keep my apartment. Honestly, I like where I'm working right now. It's physically exhausting, but the people there really care about me.

Mom went to the ER again yesterday, and they let me go to stay with her. And then close to ten last night I got a call from everyone at THS, making sure everything was okay, and letting me know that if I needed shifts covered, that would be fine. Things like that make me feel valued, and that's something that's hard to get at a lot of jobs.

I think half my problem is that, as Jdavyd told me, I'm bottling things up. Mom's okay at the moment, but this whole ordeal is straining the whole family, which is just natural. And as for the rest of my life, I'm starting to feel trapped, and there's no one to really blame for that, so I just bind it all inside me. And it's eating me from the inside.

But I guess, in the end, it's all self-pity. Something I should just get over. "I'm not some glorious underdog." I'm not too much worse off than anyone else. I just need to see the positive. I just need to get my ass in gear and change my life. I need to be satisfied with what I'm getting. I need to shut the fuck up.

It's so easy to say, isn't it?